Beyond the Badge: De-escalation Over Escalation, When Relationships Become a Safety Strategy

0:04 Two students are standing in a hallway. They're arguing. One steps forward, the other drops his book bag. Students begin gathering around. Several students pull out cell phones to record what's happening. A teacher starts yelling, stop. An administrator is running down the hallway, and the school resource officer is approaching. Freeze. Right there. Before anyone throws a punch, we have a window. Maybe it's 30 seconds, maybe it's 10 seconds, maybe it's only three seconds. But what the adults do during that window matters because sometimes the difference between escalation and de-escalation begins with the adult who enters the situation.

0:59 Today we're talking about what happens when connection, communication, authority, and good judgment meet in real time.

1:12 Welcome back to The Road to an Effective Classroom Environment. I am your host, Dr. Lashanta, known as that classy sassy consultant. This is episode three of my five-part series, Beyond the Badge: Rethinking School Safety Through Social Emotional Competence. This series grew from my doctoral research, the impact of school resource officers trained in social emotional competencies on school incidents of violence. In episode one, we went beyond the uniform and examined the role of the school resource officer, also known as the SRO.

1:50 In episode two, we turned the mirror toward the adults. We talked about self-awareness, emotional regulation, empathy, assumptions, communication, and responsible decision making. And I left you with this de-escalation begins with the adults' ability to regulate themselves before attempting to regulate the situation. So today we're going to put that idea to work because it's easy to talk about de-escalation when everybody is calm. The real test comes when somebody says no, when voices rise, when a student curses, when an audience forms, when someone challenges authority, when we have seconds, not minutes, to decide what happens next.

2:39 So let's establish something very quickly here. There are situations in schools where direct commands are necessary. If someone is in immediate danger, we're not going to conduct a 10-minute restorative circle. If a weapon is present, safety protocols take priority. If students are physically fighting, adults must follow their training, policies, and procedures. De-escalation does not mean ignoring danger. I repeat, de-escalation does not mean ignoring danger. Relationship-based practice does not mean eliminating consequences.

3:19 And restorative practices do not mean allowing harmful behavior to continue. What we're discussing is something very different. We're asking when circumstances allow us a choice in how we approach a situation, which response is most likely to move us toward safety. Sometimes adults automatically move into give a command in order to get compliance.

3:56 Move. Do it now. And sometimes that's necessary, but sometimes there's another pathway. That pathway can look like connection, communication, de-escalation.

4:11 You would hear these phrases. I see you're upset. Come over here with me. Tell me what happened. And using the student's name, let's get away from this crowd. We're going to deal with what happened, but first I need to make sure everybody is safe. And I've used that one several times in my career because I had already built a relationship with the students. And the student was already willing to come with me because of the relationships that I had built beforehand. And the students always knew that because of how he or she acted, that there could be some type of consequence that was going to follow.

5:00 But they still came with me because they felt safe. The expectation has not disappeared. The authority hasn't disappeared. What's changed is how the authority is being exercised. Sometimes as adults, we think that because we are the adults, we have to exert ourselves and say, I am the adult. I am, you must obey. You've got to listen to me. It's already known that you are the authority figure. You don't have to enunciate that even more, especially in a situation in which you have a deregulated student.

5:41 Let's say a teacher asks a student to leave the classroom and the student refuses. The teacher asks one more time. The student says, I'm not going anywhere. Now the administrators call. When the administrator arrives, the administrator says, Come with me. The student responds, No. Now an SRO is requested. All right. So we're going to freeze right there. So what's the goal? If our goal becomes make the student obey me right now, we may create a power struggle. And power struggles often have audiences.

6:25 Other students are watching. The student may now feel that complying means losing face. The adult may feel that allowing any delay means losing authority. Now both sides are protecting something. One is protecting dignity, the other is protecting authority. What happens if the SRO walks in and says, get up, you're coming with me? Maybe the student complies, but maybe the student doubles down. Now consider another possibility. Let's say the SRO already knows the student. We'll say the student's name is Jordan.

7:05 Jordan, come talk to me for a second. That sounds simple, but there's something underneath it. It's the relationship. If Jordan has spoken with this officer in the cafeteria or at a football game, basketball game, if the officer knows Jordan's name, if the previous interactions haven't all involved discipline, then the SRO isn't introducing a relationship during the crisis. They're drawing upon one that already exists. That's why relationships are not just something nice to have. In some circumstances, relationships can become a part of the safety strategy.

7:47 Now imagine two students arguing in the hallway. They're not fighting yet, but they're very close to it. And one says, say it again, say it again. The other student steps forward, students gather, the phones are there, they come out again. This is where situational awareness matters. What is increasing the emotional temperature? The audience, the proximity, the volume, the embarrassment. Sometimes one of the first de-escalation strategies is not saying more, it's changing the environment. Reduce the audience, create the distance, separate the students, lower the voice.

8:28 Use clear, concise directions. Notice I didn't say weak directions, I said concise directions. Calm and clear can coexist. You can be firm without becoming confrontational. Telling the student, back up, come with me. Let's move over here. We're gonna handle this, but not in front of everyone. That last statement is powerful. You're communicating two things simultaneously. Accountability is coming, and I'm not going to unnecessarily humiliate you. Dignity matters in de-escalation.

9:17 So here's another situation. Rumors have been circulating all day that two students were going to be fighting at lunch. The staff members know about it, the students know about it, social media, it's all over social media, whether it's on TikTok, Instagram, Snapchat, whatever that whatever the young people are using, because there's so much more out there. And that's another thing. Adults, we need to be skilled and schooled on social media so we know our young people are on. So here's my question: When does the intervention begin?

9:59 Does the intervention begin when the first punch is thrown, or when we become aware that the conflict is developing? Whenever my students would bring information to me, or if I found things on social media myself, I called those students in before the suspected fight was supposed to happen. You don't sit on that information. That is the time to intervene, is when you know about it, not when or you're going to intervene. If it happens, if a fight is brewing, of course you intervene then. But once you receive that information, that is the time to act.

10:41 This is where we have to broaden our definition of school safety. Because school safety isn't only responding effectively to incidents, it is also recognizing opportunities to prevent incidents. Could a counselor intervene? Could an administrator speak with the students separately? Could the SRO who has a relationship with those students help? Could we determine what the conflict is actually about? Could restorative questions help uncover the harm? What happened? What were you thinking at the time?

11:13 Who has been affected? What needs to happen next? Could we involve parents or adults? You betcha by golly, we need to. Could we create a plan for dismissal? Now we're not simply waiting for violence, we're interrupting the pathway toward violence. Prevention is an action. Prevention is an action. And there are too many times in which there have been signs. There have been clear signs to adults and students around before incidents of violence have happened within schools. But people ignored the signs.

11:54 They didn't investigate. They didn't ask questions. They felt like it wasn't their concern. If you are an adult working in a school setting, every child in that building is your concern. And I don't want to jump ahead of myself, but this is definitely something that I'm very passionate about. Prevention is an action. We can't sleep on these situations, whether it's harassment and bullying that lead to catastrophic school incidents of violence, violence, such as school shootings. We cannot continue to ignore what is happening to our young people if we don't begin building these relationships and being authentic about it.

12:47 Because there's nothing soft about a relationship.

13:01 So we have to begin developing those relationships so that when a situation arises, we are able, we're able to stop it. If we see the signs, we are able to stop the potential violence that could occur. All right.

13:29 So let's get back into let's get back into uh our scenarios. So another scenario, let's say you have a student who receives upsetting news, and maybe there's something that happened at home. Maybe there's been a breakup, a divorce. Maybe the student is experiencing a conflict with another another student. Whatever happened, that student is feeling overwhelmed, and the student begins yelling. The student's cursing, cursing everybody out, knocks things off of a desk, and then the adult, being the adult that he or she is, screams, calm down.

14:12 All right, so we're gonna take a pause right there now. Have you ever noticed that telling an emotionally overwhelmed person to calm down doesn't necessarily make them calm? Sometimes it communicates your emotional response is inconveniencing me.

14:33 Instead, the adult might say, Come over here. I'm listening. Give me a second, tell me what happened. Or I'm going to give you some space. I'm right here. The goal isn't to reward inappropriate behavior. We're not, we're not trying to reward that behavior. The behavior can still be addressed, but here's the important principle of this matter. Regulate first, reason second. Trying to conduct a logical conversation with someone who's highly emotionally activated may not produce the result we want.

15:16 Sometimes the immediate goal isn't solving the entire problem. Sometimes it's simply getting everyone back to a place where solving the problem becomes possible.

16:17 Now, I want to speak directly to administrators.

16:24 Let's say a situation happens and a student refuses, and someone says, Call the SRO. Before we make that call, we should know why we're making it. Are we requesting law enforcement intervention? Are we concerned about immediate safety? Are we asking for another trusted adult who may have a relationship with the student? Or are we using the SRO because we're frustrated and want someone else to obtain compliance? Those distinctions matter. School leaders and SROs need clearly defined roles. An SRO should not automatically become the school's response to every disciplinary issue.

17:12 That is not effective. At the same time, there are situations where SROs and their presence, their expertise, their relationships, their training can be invaluable. That's why administrators and SROs should have these conversations before an incident happens. Knowing what is your role, what is mine, when do I call you? When do you step in? When should you step back? How will we communicate? What are our procedures when there is an actual safety threat? Clarity before crisis matters too. It matters.

17:54 Many school districts have where before the beginning of the school year, district leaders they sit down with the SROs, the sheriff department, police chief, uh, whichever body would has the SROs that are working within that school district, and they sit down and they talk and they talk safety plans. They talk about the role of the SRO, the role of the administrator. And even after the big meeting, you have where the SRO sits down with leadership and talking about how he or she fits into the scheme of the school safety so that everyone knows what their roles are when it comes down to how do I help make this a safe environment.

18:58 Restorative approaches ask us to move beyond what rule was broken, and we move towards what happened, who was affected, what harm occurred, and what needs to happen to repair that harm. But we need to be clear restorative practice is not nothing happens. It's not, there are no consequences. And sometimes restorative practices is given those labels. Oh, nothing's gonna happen to the student. There are no consequences that are involved. That is not what restorative practice is about.

19:39 Accountability is this is very central to restorative practice. But accountability becomes more than receiving a punishment. It includes understanding impact, taking responsibility, repairing harm when possible, and restoring relationships when appropriate. That can coexist with school discipline. And when laws, policies, immediate safety concerns require additional action, those requirements remain. Relationship-centered does not mean consequence-free. So here's a practical tool that I want you to remember from today's episode.

20:25 When circumstances allow, think about the three C's. Connect, communicate, and calm. Connect before demanding something from the student, determine whether connection is possible. Use the student's name, acknowledge what you're seeing, protect the dignity of the student, and reduce unnecessary audiences. Communicate. Keep your language clear. Keep your tone controlled. Don't use ten words when three will work. Listen for information you don't yet have. And avoid turning the interaction into an argument about who's in charge.

21:14 And calm. Ask yourself, is what I'm doing lowering the emotional temperature or raising it? Your goal is not to win the interaction, your goal is to move the situation toward safety. Connect, communicate, and calm. And then accountability can follow.

21:40 So there's one piece that sometimes we forget. De-escalation doesn't end when everyone stops yelling. What happens afterward? Does someone reconnect with the student? Do we process what happened? Do we ask what triggered the situation? Do we examine what adults did well? Do we examine what adults could have done differently? Do we repair relationships? Do we identify patterns? Because if we only stop the incident without learning from the situation, we may prepare ourselves to repeat it again. After action reflection should include the adults too.

22:22 The reflection isn't about what was wrong with the student, but what happened, how did we respond, and what can we learn? That's how organizations grow. So here's your reflection question for this episode. Think about the last conflict you witnessed. Did the adult response lower the temperature or raise it? And don't answer that question to blame anyone. Use it to learn. What words were used? What was the tone? Who was watching? What dignity was dignity protected? Was there an opportunity for connection?

23:04 And most importantly, what might we do differently next time? School safety sometimes requires immediate decisive intervention. There will be situations where adults must act quickly to protect students and staff. But not every challenging student interaction has to become a contest of authority. Sometimes the most effective intervention happens long before the confrontation. A name remembered, a conversation in the cafeteria, a trusted adult, a relationship built, a moment of empathy, a regulated adult, a decision to listen before assuming.

23:49 Those things may seem small until the day they're needed. Connection, communication, de-escalation. And remember, connection before crisis. In episode four, we're going directly into the research. I'm going to take you behind my dissertation, The Impact of School Resource Officers Trained in Social Emotional Competencies on School Incidents of Violence. Why did I study this? You'll find out in the next episode. What did I examine? And what did the research reveal? That's going to be next on Beyond the Badge.

24:34 I'm Dr. Lashanta, and this is the road to an effective classroom environment. Until next time, keep building environments where students can learn, adults can lead, and everyone can feel safe.